still where I was

It’s been awhile since I wrote here. I was just trying to have some time to rest. It was hard actually, I can’t find peace at all and am pressured by myself to face my past, present, and future. I am reading lots and lots of posts on the internet, on infertility forums to be more precise, there are a lot of women who are dealing with same struggles as I am. this gives me hope and at the same time makes me anxious because I thought that it was not that common… hysterectomy.

I hate this word. Hysterectomy. It is ugly and makes me ugly too. I cannot seem to be one of those who jokes around about it and is happy because they have no menstruation. I guess this is one of the ways to deal with H. At least it helps someone, right? Now, I need to figure out what to do with myself, how to forget all of it.

I was advised to try and do something time-consuming like baking or reading, but I have no interest in baking and I can’t read without thinking about myself and my life. Maybe I should try something light, young adult-ish but it is definitely stupid. Maybe I should watch Orange is the new black..? But I do not know, I feel like it will be too freaking hard to watch as I remember some of the previous episodes were not that easy to sit through. I love the show don’t  get me wrong but I doubt that in my current state it is a good idea to watch it.

Still on pills.

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