Life Update

I knew that it would be hard to update your own blog regularly… You have to be persistent in it so you do not lose the attachment to your little friend. But… Am I the only one who does not know what to write anymore? Like I thought that I would create this blog and fill it with my life stuff every day or week and that my life is interesting or full enough to be able to produce anything that is not boring… well…guess not…

I am full time working again. I was hired as a chef assistant (making coffee and helping out with piles of documents). So I am spending my days at the office while evenings are full with little cuddles with my husband. My mom stopped talking to me about kids and all that jazz after I told her that it was painful to hear from her given my situation. However, it is kind of funny to admit, I started having dreams about children and family… Do not know why am I even writing this down..  I did not tell this my baby because I do not want to upset him or give him a false hope… But I feel kind of happy in my dreams..

Anyways, here is my update. I hope to start posting again.

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Hello everyone!

It’s been a while since I have written here for the last time. I am now almost two months after the surgery, my body is recovering very fast. I do not have a single sign of those symptoms that I have been encountering all over the internet that worried me too much. Also, to talk about my progress, I have found a counselor with whom I have had 10 meetings already, I do not know how to describe the time we spent talking and discussing all of that filthy stuff that usually appears in my head every once a while. Anyways, It has been a lot easier to think about what I  have become after I had to talk to someone besides my husband. He is here, he is my support, he loves me very much and I love him too but I do not think that he needs to hear from me how I hate my life any more….

Also, we have started thinking about moving forward. As all of this began with our desire to have kids and as I am now feeling better even at the slightest mention of life with children. I think that in a month or two I will be ready to go for surrogacy… Yes, this is me, these words are coming from my mouth or I guess from my fingers.

Surrogacy… I began to read articles and other stuff on the Internet and it made me either curious than angry as before. What I can say, therapy did help me…

Well, nothing is settled yet, my husband is the one who is looking for some options I am trying to stay away from it because you never know. As I was told by my therapist it is always too risky to do new things as they literally may trigger me out of nowhere.

I just hope that someday I will be happy.

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I have decided that this day deserved to be marked! I have woken up in the morning without tears in my eyes, I haven’t had nightmares tonight or they weren’t as strong as they were before. It is a miracle.

I understand that this blog is getting repetitive and I won’t be continuing on writing about my “sudden” infertility and about what my life has become without the essential part of me as a woman.

My pills were in the fridge as I left them yesterday and I wasn’t able to find them this morning, turned out my husband misplaced them while cleaning the stuff. I was so scared that I could throw them away by accident because  I am totally out of my mind right now after that stress and stuff. No one though can stay the same after undergoing the major change in their life, the best example to it are tons and tons of funny images about having a hysterectomy and being sarcastic about it, I kind of get it but not that much. I think that sometimes people are totally overreacting and it is painful to watch. Sometimes I feel like I begin to develop dementia because of all of the things I forget and only remember about them after a month od something. It is totally not cool.

Anyways, this day has started greatly! And I am glad I have a place where I can share stuff like this.

 

Had my mother calling me today. She was “back at it again”  with her ohhh this is so unfortunate that she won’t see her grandchildren or something. All of that same right after I told her that I was doing fine after the surgery. So I assumed that she thought that she finally could talk about what is the most important to her. I said that it is sad and all that jazz but I do not quite see how it is even relevant given my current state. She did shut up for a minute but then continued with oh sweety you should not be that negative, the world if full of magic and wonders, so do not think that this is all over for you. Yeah, talk about bad timing.

I do not know if any of you has experienced anything of the sort but it kills me to even hear anything about kids right at the moment. I know that here are women who cannot support my views so I am really sorry for killing the mood. However, what can you do in my situation? I really feel like I need some support apart from that I am getting from my husband, he has to go to work and I am alone all day long, the only good thing is that I can talk to my friends via skype and to him too. But it is not quite what I want. I would love to talk to someone who’s been dealing with the same emotional pain as I am right now…

Hello! :)

Hello again! So I would like to start with some news that  I have found out about yesterday!

News are great. Honestly! My husband had a surprise planned for me and right when I was presenting him a dinner for two (with candles and stuff) he kneeled and asked me if I want to travel the world with him! I said yes! Although we both know that this trip won’t be happening right now, I was really surprised by the fact. He was very excited and said that he had planned this for the longest time, he also said that he has some money he’s been saving for the trip for a while and that we were not going to use them for anything else apart from our worldwide trip! Which was cool!

He was also happy to see me smiling and laughing and it was amazing that we have managed to surprise each other on the same day!

I am really happy knowing that I have him as my second half,  he is my angel and the love of my life. That is for sure and I am totally and 100 percent sure in this.

There are some things that we still luck, but having each other helps to overcome anything, even the fact that I had my uterus removed. By the way, I am not better with all of this. Still, do not want to talk about it with anyone. I think that it’ll get better with time but honestly, for now, everything does not seem that fine but it’s gotten better, I know.

So Yeah! This was another update and I am pretty much confident with myself and about my blog. Thank you again for your likes and feedback!

Love.

It’s getting better I think

🙂

Good news, guys! I feel a little bit better today! I woke up fine and actually loved this morning’s light and atmosphere. I even went for a breakfast downstairs, not in my bed as it was until this day, I am also planning on cooking something easy and fun for my man and myself. I think that he deserves having some rest right now and I should now be in charge of making everyone comfortable!

As you can see I am totes fine, well, not totally but a lot better than I was. I think that I have actually surprised my husband with my sudden appearance in the kitchen in the morning at the time when I am usually still in bed and almost crying out of devastation. I think it definitely made his day a lot better! 🙂

This makes me even happier. Oh and yes! I am also now sitting at the table and writing this post. Usually, I was like lying down and not wanting to get up at all.

Now I am sitting and reading about some Europe trips, I  dream about visiting Paris and Prague, it’d be so much fun to do so eventually!

Now, I’m going to look for a couple of recipes and then maybe I’ll do a post about our dinner!

Have a nice day or evening or anything wherever you are!

still where I was

It’s been awhile since I wrote here. I was just trying to have some time to rest. It was hard actually, I can’t find peace at all and am pressured by myself to face my past, present, and future. I am reading lots and lots of posts on the internet, on infertility forums to be more precise, there are a lot of women who are dealing with same struggles as I am. this gives me hope and at the same time makes me anxious because I thought that it was not that common… hysterectomy.

I hate this word. Hysterectomy. It is ugly and makes me ugly too. I cannot seem to be one of those who jokes around about it and is happy because they have no menstruation. I guess this is one of the ways to deal with H. At least it helps someone, right? Now, I need to figure out what to do with myself, how to forget all of it.

I was advised to try and do something time-consuming like baking or reading, but I have no interest in baking and I can’t read without thinking about myself and my life. Maybe I should try something light, young adult-ish but it is definitely stupid. Maybe I should watch Orange is the new black..? But I do not know, I feel like it will be too freaking hard to watch as I remember some of the previous episodes were not that easy to sit through. I love the show don’t  get me wrong but I doubt that in my current state it is a good idea to watch it.

Still on pills.