Hello It is Monday

And it is me on Monday having some stressful mornings and crying over nothing and everything at the same time.

I am reliving my worst nightmares in real life and like experiencing all kinds of mood and body changes. is it normal that you do not feel yourself as you had before? I feel like I am a whole different human being right now. and I do not know what to do with myself anymore.

For now, we live in a very strange environment where you have to think 10 times before saying anything as some themes and topics are for now banned under our roof. as for example, fertility treatments. as it was a safe zone before now I do not want to hear anything that has the slightest relation to this, well, I even feel violated by the smallest mention.

I am taking my body health too seriously right now, although there is no too in health questions. however, as it is too late right now I can basically tell all of you who’ll stumble across this blog, I am not longer a woman and am losing all of my psychic health.

Anyways, this is my way of getting some kind of relief.

Hope everyone’s having a good time.

x

Another update

Trying to find any hysterectomy recovery sisters here. I know that no one has been waiting for me here but I really hope that some will find this blog anyhow helpful thus I am planning on accumulating useful articles and advice here just in case someone would want to read it for their own reasons.

I have been through surgery obviously and ahead of me lies the recovery period I need to go through as soon as possible. The op was on Monday so I was only able to go home today and here I am lying in my bed writing an update. I feel like I am a different person really with all of the changes in my body and in my head. Like really, I feel like my mood changes every single hour. I hope that in a week or two this all will change and I am no longer crazy but who knows. I suppose that the reason for this is that I have done a full hysterectomy and my hormones began fluctuating. I know that from now on I am going to be fully dependent on hormonal therapy and I knew that, I knew that I was really losing myself with this surgery.

I was told that at least for a week I am not going to be walking as I have used to. I am going to spend all of my free time lying in bed and relaxing, doing whatever helps me to stay relaxed and calm. To be quite honest I really want this recovery time to end asap or at least to not waste ot on anything stupid. I hope that it will take max 6 weeks but I know that for some women it takes even longer, up to 12 weeks.

I really hope that it is possible to end this pain, physical and emotional. and go on with my life. I really want to be productive but I also feel like I should not blame myself for being that moody and not being able to do anything at all.

Hope someone’s reading this.

xx

No 4

Time is up everybody. I am ready to go for hysterectomy. I have been preparing not only physically but emotionally for this trip to complete infertility so one cannot tell that I am bothered anymore. However, I  am really nervous and I suppose that you can understand that. I have created this blog so I could share my thoughts here but yesterday I almost wiped it out and deleted it because I did not feel like admitting that I am about to do the worst thing that could’ve happened to a woman who has only one wish – to have kids. I do not want to talk about this that much. I am not yet at the point of catharsis but I believe that sooner or later I am going to experience something similar. Is there any cure for women like me?

Reading posts from women post-hysterectomy does not help either, I can only feel their pain and understand their feelings and to be quite honest I do not believe that they feel better by now, of course, if they have kids. But those kids were carried and born by surrogates. Which is not bad by any means but it does not add to what they have been through before.

I keep thinking about surrogacy, all of the time. It sounds stupid by far, my husband thinks the same. We are not going to trust another women life of our future child or even risk our nerves ad money…

Well, this had a bad turn. Sorry for being so arrogant I guess.

3rd

I woke up really early today, like too early even. Had my breakfast, made some for my husband and went for a walk. It was a short promenade, I sat on a bench for long 15 minutes, trying to seize the moment and contemplating the nature. Lovely freezing morning for a summer, well for the end of spring. never had so many chills. anyways, the sum was beautiful and it seemed like the planet was going to drown in its light.

Today is the reading day, I have done some cleaning and put an apple pie in the oven after watching some receipts on youtube. By the way – I highly recommend you to watch this youtube channel – https://www.youtube.com/user/bgfilms. I have actually binged watch all of his videos once and now rewatching them whenever I have time and desire to cook something. this time it’s baking.

Well, I keep ignoring the main theme of the blog but I do not feel like this is the place where I should be spreading my negativity and depression. I am still dealing with some overwhelming stuff and the diagnosis and prescription are devastating. The only thing that helped me accept this situation was the support from my doctor, he said that I can keep taking my medications and possibly try living a healthier life, like having enough of sleep, not going to places full of smokers and drinkers. Some small details but it brought me to tears because I really felt like I was alone with my husband and no one except for him did not understand me at all.. But my doc proved me wrong once again.

The date of the operation gets closer and closer and my nervousness gets even worse. I think that I won’t be able to do anything for some time. Maybe for a while. But I hope that it won’t be as bad as I am imagining right now.

Some tips I’ve found on the Internet:  Prepare now by eating a well-balanced diet, getting plenty of rest, and losing weight if you are overweight. Ask your doctor about exercises you can do before surgery to get your pelvic muscles in shape. If you smoke, this is the time to quit for good.

Love how the community of girls on the internet can show that much of support! It’s damn awesome!

taking some time

I do not want this blog to be very sad. so I am not planning on sharing here the details of what I am about to undergo. I am sure that there is not so much interest in this, and I won’t also ask anyone to share their the most private experience with strangers basically. I am sure that I can get tons of support on forums but even though this is really disturbing for me to open up in front of this internet crowd, do not know how others are doing it. how others are dealing with it.

I am no professional and I can tell you that the emotional pain I live with right now is 100 times bigger than physical pain I was and am feeling right now.

Trust me, this is incredibly awful and I won’t wish anyone to go through something like this ever.

Thankfully, my husband is here for me and we are here to each other, to share our pain and to hug our hurt souls.

Still, do not know how to deal with all of this. The appointments are made and we’re only waiting for this to happen.

Day 2 of this blog.

My first post ever

I’ve always preferred to keep things like this to myself, and this was no exception. Up until I realized that there’s nowhere to go after this. In all honesty, I admire those who prefer fighting till the very end to this situation but after numerous appointments and operations, I have found myself in the situation of no exit. I was determined to work it out, to progressively getting better but unfortunately, I began to wear off and now I am standing before the gates that I do not want to open under any circumstances.

I was appointed to hysterectomy earlier this year. It appears that my condition was that bad that doctors didn’t find anything better than hysterectomy as a cure for me. It is either I die very soon from the complications or undergo this operation. This means that I am going to go completely infertile.

Honestly, it was a slap in the face, but it brought me to my senses. I am now more conscious in a way; I began to really see through so many things. And it did not begin with the diagnosis but it began a lot earlier and affected me o so many different levels. I have been to so many fertility communities and took part in a lot of discussions that helped me a lot to cope with stress and depressive thoughts. But I was also thinking about some unnecessary stuff, I mean, unnecessary for that moment when I was only starting to getting endometriosis treatment. Foolishly, I allowed myself to go for the idea of ivf treatment at that moment. In quite honestly, I even began working overtime to save some money and my husband has gotten too excited over this as he also began eating healthy food and exercising. We have been dreaming of starting this treatment after we finish with everything else. But reality had other plans for us.

I don’t want to go into too much detail about the last few months, but suffice it to say that I’m still learning to live with this diagnosis and it really hurts to see my future as empty as it will be starting from now.

Well, I have said a lot already. Maybe this is it but I do not want to admit that it is. I wanted to start this blog as some sort of a remedy and with the healing as its sole purpose.

I am still full of love and hope. At last, I have my man and we love each other. Other things are irrelevant.